“I just want to go home”.
That’s all I could hear myself say as tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t quite understand why they were pouring out so readily. All I knew is that they had to flow and all I could hear from my deepest self was “I want to go home”.
I thought about this for a while…
“Am I talking about a physical space?” I asked myself. Having recently rented out my own home, I’m now living back at my parents, who have kindly let me ‘convert’ their living room into my bedroom/office/study/everything else whilst the rest of the house is in a state of disarray through a big renovation project. So, was the home I wanted to go back to my own? To leave the luxury of having a whole place to yourself, be surrounded by your own things, have your own habits, routines and no one to have to answer to or really be responsible for apart from yourself, was that the comfort I was craving and missing?
Now three months back from my travels, again a place and time in which I could go wherever, do whatever and be whomsoever I pleased and felt such an immense sense of freedom, was that the new home I was missing? Or was I missing the things that came before all these massive changes? The old job, career, the monthly paycheque?
I felt like it could have been any of those but if it were to be then the answer would have come to me quickly and clearly. There was this deep sense of knowing that it wasn’t. Yes I missed some of those things but it wasn’t them. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
So when had these clouds rolled in? I felt like I was sinking into a deep hole. On the one hand I had a deep, inner knowing that this was all part of the process and utter faith that this feeling would be over soon. But on the other hand I just felt like screaming, “Seriously, just give me a break! After all these years of ‘working on myself’, I’m still stuck here?! In this space? With these same old fucking wounds that keep tripping me up?! GIVE…ME…A…FUCKING…BREAK!!!!! I’m SO fucking tired!”
As so much of this discomfort and upset centred around my worthiness, my self-image, my self-esteem and by being given experiences that aggravated old wounds, I had two choices. 1) Stay here, do nothing and be prepared to keep getting tripped up by the same things again or 2) do something about it! The choice was easy, I didn’t want to fester in this cesspit of emotional sludge. I knew there was yet more work to be done.
I listened deeply. Innately. I stepped into my inner child and adult self, interchangeably. I examined old wounds and looked at how they were being triggered. I tore open false identities, statements I have carried for decades like “I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m alone”. I tore them open, I looked deeper and I self-soothed. They were all saying the same thing…“You’re being asked and need to go deeper. You need to break open even more”.
What the hell did that mean?!
For the last few weeks…
- My mediation practice had gone out the window, it was there but half the time I wasn’t
- My prayer was flakey, I didn’t always know what I was praying for
- My morning pages: also flakey…therefore no writing and I love writing
- Surya Namaskar (yogic sun salutations): these had stopped (my excuse was the wrist pain I’d been experiencing since Melbourne)
- Socialising? Nowhere near as much as I need – I’m having to save money you see
- Dancing, the thing that lights me up in ways most things can’t? Apart from a bit of dancing around our slightly ramshackle, sewage-ey smelling kitchen, I hadn’t done any. Dance classes cost money you see and that was my other excuse even though I know there’s a load of ways in which I can do this without having to pay a single penny.
- Being outdoors…from spending everyday being amongst nature and the elements for two and a half months non-stop (apart from Dengue day), this was hardly happening. No grounding, no taking deep breaths of fresh air. No sun. Basically no life-force.
And what are my core desired feelings? To feel Love, Shakti, Illumined, Creative, Affluent, Free. So how was I allowing myself to feel any of these things doing or rather not doing what I was not doing?
Currently I’m spending a lot of time working on trying to carve out and shape my new, fulfilling, light-filled career which is fun, yet scary. I’m taking stock of my finances (scary), seeing how much physical and emotional freedom I can create space for in my life (scary), letting go of past love to make space for new love in all its forms (scary), learning to appreciate my body in a way that I may have neglected for many years now (scary) and much, much more (also scary). Well they all take energy…a hell of a lot of energy and introspection and action…so where does all that energy come from if you’re negating your need for the things that are essentially your life source?
In deep understanding of what my intuition was asking of me, I joined my local yoga class last week and boy was it exactly what I needed. That first vinyasa flow couldn’t have been more spot on. The flow was all based around avidya that is; inner obstacles and spiritual knowing. The teacher asked us as we sat there in meditation, “What are you avoiding? What do you fear? What are you letting stop you from doing what you really want to do?”. All very powerful and apt questions for me in that moment. I sat there and contemplated some more. I felt uncomfortable but I knew I just had to breathe through it. Those deep, life-giving breaths. The ones I deny myself far too often when the going gets tough. And then some clarity started to seep through.
Fast forward to my class two days later…these teachers seem to be psychics I tell you! I’m lying there and the flow really concentrated on some deep hip flexors and openers. There was one pose in particular through which I felt such deep release, I felt like I could really breathe again. Through all of me. From a place that really needed it. And in that moment I had an ‘a-ha!’, I truly understood the power of Yoga on a whole new level. This is what I needed. This was home. I made it! And I needed to keep coming back here until I felt like I could carry the feeling around with me everywhere. I found myself again. On that mat!
So what’s your point Arti? Do more Yoga? Great, thanks for that gem! No, not quite just that my lovely reader…
For me in this time of deep emotional ‘fog’, my answer has been to go deeper and open up more. There’s this deep sense of knowing that I need to embody my body for the work I that I need to do and the way in which I need to heal and then show up in the world. It’s through following the piece of advice that my intuition sent my way, I couldn’t have been anymore spot on. You see, it all came from me!
So that it’s…we all have our own, self-employed inner guide, mentor, coach, call it what you will, who is always willing to step up for us. To speak our truth. Who is not willing to let us fall into that boggy mire of emotional meltdown and malaise. Who is always ready and willing to stretch out their hand to us and pull us out when the going gets tough. Find them and become best friends. They are your key. And find your practice. Your devotional practice to yourself. Keep showing up to the practice that keeps opening you up and keeps you growing. We’re all allowed to have murky moments, that’s the beautiful part of being human. It’s what you choose to do with the moment that matters. That’s your greatest source of power and you’ve got the best ally right by your side to get through it with. Trust them, they’ve got your back.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wishing you Love. Light. Miracles. xxx