When did we start believe love would be easy? When did romantic love and life become so trivial that we felt like we would go to the ends of the earth to get it and as soon as we did, we decided “Well, mission accomplished! I can just get on with the rest of my life now, that one will look after itself”?
Isn’t it crazy that we make ridiculous amounts of effort to impress that guy/girl we’ve only been on a few dates with and barely know? We’re mindful of what we say, how we act, how we look, we listen deeply to what makes that person so special and what lights them up and we’d do everything in our power to make them happy. This person is so exciting to us, so loving, so ‘perfect’ and so you make the choice to partner with them. You can’t quite believe your luck. You’ve met that one amazing person in the whole wide world who makes you feel this way!
Fast forward a year or two and all that has gone out of the window. Words are uttered carelessly, we barely listen, we act mindlessly. This one person who was just so special to us, becomes so normal, so ordinary, so…meh! It’s not that you love them any less, that you care any less, but we have become care-less. Careless with their heart and ours and the sacred gift that is our relationship.
When I look at relationships passed, the truly magical and miraculous moments for me aren’t the grand displays of affection or expensive gifts or the luxurious indulgences we shared together. As wonderful as those were, the truly magic moments for me were those snuggled up on the couch watching our favourite movies, the pillow talk, reading in bed together, the funny little messages in cards and texts, the nonsense talk, being held in both body and spirit. Those are the moments that I will treasure forever and I look forward to experiencing again. Uttering those three little words “I love you” and realising they are far from small. The realisation of the gravity and beauty of that sentence. That is what is nothing short of a miracle to me.
“If we want enchantment in our daily lives, we must cultivate its spiritual conditions. We must learn to give and receive, to appreciate joy and give it to others, to see the magic in ordinary things, and seize the moment like the key to love that it is. Most people, when they first fall in love, are willing enough to fly, to be poetic, to grab the golden ring of infinite possibility. Yet how quickly then, having expanded, they constrict again to fit the littleness of the disenchanted world. They prefer dry prose to poetry, and dry prose is death to love. Back on earth after a flight through the sky, the coward at love chooses not to rock the boat of practicality and routine. Little does the coward know the boat itself is sinking.” ~ Marianne Williamson
Where and when did we learn to become so careless with our love and affection, so deceived by society’s ideals of what romantic love should be like? When did the thrill of the chase become as good as it gets? I think Katherine Woodward Thomas says it best:
“Our fascination with romantic love tends to focus on the finding of such a love and not the substance of what truly makes up a loving relationship. Rarely do our movies or our songs deal with the day in, day out minutiae of what true love actually requires of us. But the experience of loving for the long haul, of generously extending oneself day after day after day, while receiving the kind of constancy and kindness that weaves one’s broken heart back together again, is about as high drama as we’ll ever hope to find in this lifetime. It always amazes me that we tend to skip that part in the movies. For truly, it is the absolute best part of love and yet most of us have no idea what it even looks like. Being consumed with falling in love as opposed to the sustaining of love is a little like stopping at foreplay.” ~ Calling in “The One”
The School of Life have offered such a great extension of what Katherine and so many of us ‘ambassadors’ of true love believe may have gone wrong…
“Love stories are so unhelpful to our actual love lives. We’ve learnt to judge ourselves by the hopes and expectations by the misleading medium of art. By its standards our own relationships are almost all damaged and unsatisfactory. No wonder separation or divorce so often appear to be inevitable. They shouldn’t be, we merely need to change what we watch and read so that we regularly take in stories that normalise our love troubles and show us an intelligent and helpful path through them.” ~ The School of Life, How Love Stories Ruin our Love Lives
So how do we bring back the mystery, the enchantment, the magic, the true romance in love? Does it start with understanding the difference between being in love and learning how to love?
“In a dazzling vote of confidence for form over substance, our culture fawns over the fleetingness of being in love while discounting the importance of loving…
In love twists together three high-tensile strands: a potent feeling that the other fits in a way that no one has before or will again, an irresistible desire for skin-to-skin proximity, and a delirious urge to disregard all else. In the service of that prismatic blindfold, in love rewrites reality as no other mental event can…
But in love merely brings the players together, and the end of that prelude is as inevitable as it is desirable. True relatedness has a chance to blossom only with the waning of its intoxicating predecessor…
Loving is limbically distinct from in love. Loving is mutuality; loving is synchronous attainment and modulation. As such, adult love depends critically upon knowing the other. In love demands only the brief acquaintance necessary to establish an emotional genre. Loving derives from intimacy, the prolonged and detailed surveillance of a foreign soul.” ~ A General Theory of Love
And so my point with this essay? It’s not only a deep acknowledgement of the words that have so deeply guided me through my journey into and through love but it’s also to ask two questions. When will we choose to stop believing the illusion that society and the thought system of the ego has taught us about love? The illusion that drives us to bleed dry one of the greatest, purest and most scared human experiences we have been so blessed with. When instead, will we begin to step into the reality of embracing and choosing to learn how to truly love in all it’s forms – the good, bad and ugly?
“At the heart of love lies an irreducible mystery. To demystify love is to lose it. Its mystery provides its vital power to enchant us, and to heal us. In far too many relationships, the mystery is squeezed out of love. Plans form, analysis, definition – they can all be used to block love’s spiritual outpour. Mystery is fragile and demands our protection. We must surrender ourselves to a higher drama if we would drink of the divine.
Relationships can be hell…Often we wonder, ‘Why do I bother?’
Yet every once in a while, there is a burst of starlight: a minute, an hour, perhaps a day or year or even much longer, when love is perfect.
But then reality sets in, or actually, non-reality sets in. Love is the intimate, God-created, unchangeable reality in the universe, but the world we have made for ourselves does not acknowledge or reflect that. With our free will, we have established an alien kingdom ruled not by love but by thoughts of fear. Love does not feel at home in the world of fear, and that is because it is not. Lasting love can be very hard to achieve on this plane, running as it does so counter to the grain of the emotional status quo. The ways of love can feel almost unnatural. We have manufactured for ourselves, in this illusionary world, a kind of ersatz love. It is based more on tolerance than on real acceptance, more on form than on content, and more on the joining of bodies than on the joining of spirits. And as long we keep things shallow, as long as there is no run for the mountaintop experience of love, then these relationships have a fairly good chance of surviving.
If you have the courage to stand up and consciously declare that the list to love in this world do not work for you, that you choose to experience the lifting of the veil while you are still alive, then you have taken on the forces of fear.” ~ Marianne Williamson
Love. Light. Miracles. xxx
Do feel ready to take your journey to happy and healthy love even further? Why not book in a complimentary, 30 minute Calling in “The One” discovery coaching session with me here! Let’s have a chat about where you’re currently at in life, find where you’d love to be and see if we can get you there!