“I do wonder what the new year has in store for me. Or maybe I should rephrase that? What do I have in store for this year? Never before has the new year taken on so much meaning and significance in my life. Never before have I felt the need to have such a fresh start and leave behind the old clothes of the older, worn out me. I do wonder if I’ll travel this year? Will I get my big trip away? Will I go by myself? Italy, New York or Bali are all up there, floating around in my head as destinations to go for.
I may have learnt a bucket load over the last 5 or so years but learning doesn’t make you ready. Opening my heart to life does. What does opening my heart to life mean? It means being truly open with myself now. No more excuses, no more lies, no more ill behaviours or thoughts towards myself and if I do have them then understanding where they have come from. Go truly within to come truly out of myself, expand and show up in a way that I never have before. I like the term ‘coming home to myself’. This resonates deeply with me. Lot’s of plans and lots of ideas. Now is the year to try them on for size and see what fits.
Yes I am a dabbler for now and how great! Time to dabble and have some fun!”
That, my friends, is an extract from my first set of morning pages at the start of 2015. Reading through them now I don’t remember writing that at all but it has filled me with so much joy to read the anticipation I had, the open state I was in and how far I’ve come since. I feel like I have truly honoured those few paragraphs this year.
I knew 2015 was the year that things had to change for me. I had been holding on to so much old baggage and for so long, I could not afford to be weighed down by it any longer. I felt truly and utterly depleted. Physically and emotionally. It was time to let go in so many ways.
“I think from this year forward we deserve to be free of each other. And I mean that in the most positive of ways. The last year and a half has been really tough for me. A lot of it has been very painful. I don’t think we’ve been our best selves around each other.
I feel like for the last year and a half I’ve been living with the void/shadow of what we once were. It’s been a huge weight to carry around and hard battle to have to fight on your own. I’ve massively lost my spark and am not the person I want to be. And so that’s what 2015 is about for me. Reigniting that spark and getting what I loved about me back again.”
That’s an excerpt from a text message and decision I chose to take on the second day of 2015. That, was the catalyst for me. The start of a journey, that little bit deeper into the real me. To figure out what had me so depleted and drained and why and what needed to happen to get back in touch with my true Self again. It officially became the year I entitled ‘Arti gets her spark back’. Thank you for giving me the space to.
It was a slow but positive start. I was willing to give myself the time I needed to get there. It wasn’t forced in anyway because deep inside, every part of me knew that it was a must. The year progressed and my spark had definitely returned but not quite in the way I had hoped. I thought it was entirely lost because of the end of a major relationship. But half way through the year, I eventually came to the realisation that it was also massively due to my career too and this had been impacting all areas of my life pretty much since I stepped into the working world. Now it needed to change more than ever. That’s when I took my first full step into The Unlived Life and the progress I had begun to make through the first half of the year gained even more momentum.
Now as I look back over 2015, on the final day of the year, it really feels like a bit of a whirlwind, quite unlike anything I would have expected or imagined at the start. It has been quite a journey of highs and lows and the good, bad and ugly too. I experienced massive bouts of positivity and faith as well as states of utter fear, confusion and severe discomfort. Moments of pure happiness and complete sadness. But each moment was beautiful and absolutely worth it.
In the last few years I’ve moved away from making resolutions and setting intentions. For me, now it’s more about just stating a way I’d like to feel throughout the year. This seems to be in a similar vein to Danielle LaPorte’s concept of finding and living according to her Core Desired Feelings, which I hope to explore more in the New Year.
So if the feeling I wanted in 2015 was to get my spark back, which I most definitely have, what is 2016 all about?
I’m still deciding that. There’s no rule to have this figured out by midnight after all. I’d love to focus on my health and wellbeing a lot more. Special emphasis on the word wellbeing. But as 2016 is so extremely unknown for me as I step in to uncharted territory, I don’t want to set anything in stone. Very much in line with ‘The Art of Letting Go‘, I just want to experience instead of expect things to happen. Basically, in 2016 I want to just Be and feel my way through whatever just Being feels like without having to do anything in particular.
“We are human beings, not human doings.” ~ Deepak Chopra
At the start of this year I came across this poem by R. M. Drake and wished to be the woman he wrote about. I so wished I would be able to feel like this again:
“then, she began to breathe, and live, and every moment took her to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by. She was in love, but not in love with someone or something, she was in love with her life. And for the first time, in a long time, everything was inspiring.” ~ R.M. Drake
And now at the end of 2015 I know how she feels…I am that woman.
Happy New Year to you all. May the New Year be an amazing journey into the real you, your true Self, all that you are capable of being and so much more. Here’s to a life full of love, light, magic and miracles for each and everyone of us.