This is me on my 25th birthday, almost 10 years ago, aaaaagh!
The English idiom states that ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ although I don’t believe this one indicates anything close to just how uncomfortable I was that night.
It was my 25th so a big deal in my mind and I wanted to make it a special night with all my friends and family partying together and I wanted to feel special too! I was getting sick of missing out on wearing all of the clothes that I admired from a distance but never had the guts to put on and I think the last time I wore a dress that was cut above my knees before this point was probably when I was about 8 or 9!
So I thought “right, it’s time to get brave, go out and get an outfit I really love!” and this was the dress I picked out…
I remember on the night of the party itself, just how uncomfortable I felt as soon as I put my heels on and stepped out of the house. Thankfully I had the safety of my long coat on until we reached the bar. But then we arrived: I had to take it off and was hating every minute of it. My sister and I got to the venue first and she said we should go to the bar to grab some drinks. And this bit I can remember SO vividly!
I was standing by the bar, with drinks menu in hand and feeling ridiculously uncomfortable, it felt almost unbearable! I felt so exposed. This dress I had chosen was above my knees, exposing my rather Bambi like legs and knobbly knees to the world. There was no escaping my ‘skinniness’ in this dress, especially given that it was an electric blue, I wasn’t exactly hard to miss! I remember back in 2009 big, fat waist belts with big buckles were all the rage and so this was a trend I wanted to get a piece of too but my oh my did it take ages for me to find a belt that actually fit my tiny waist. More often than not I had to do a bit of make-do and mend on the things that I found to make them small enough. But this one fit without any of that jazz: it wasn’t great to look at but it did the job. But then on the night out itself, I realised just how much ‘skinnier’ it made me look and that it was just drawing yet more attention to my already tiny physique!
As we stood by the bar, I was absolutely convinced that the couple sat opposite were staring at me and whispering to each other just what they thought about how I looked and how disgusted they were by my skinniness! I was absolutely convinced! They literally could’ve been talking about everything but that (and let’s be honest, there’s a lot more interesting stuff to be talking about) but in my mind, I knew it was all about me. I kept telling my sister how skinny I felt and maybe this was the wrong thing to wear and she kept having to soothe me but nothing was really making me feel any better. I don’t really remember much of the rest of the night and that’s probably a good thing, anyone who was there celebrating with me will remember why haha!
But sooooo much time and energy went into being so concerned about what I looked like and what everyone else thought of me and feeling gross and hardly any of that energy went into getting to enjoy that fact that so many of my nearest and dearest came along to celebrate with me from near and far.
Long story short, MAAAAAAN it feels SO awesome to not give a shit what anyone thinks about the way I look anymore!!!! In the very wise words of Braveheart “Freeeeeeeedom!!!!!”
Want to hear more about my Body Image journey and learn how you can create the same type of love and freedom in your relationship with your body too? Then head over to the I Love My Body! page to find out more.