I wonder

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I wonder what would have happened if, when you said “You should come to New York! Maybe there’s some cheap flights”, I had replied “That would be awesome!”?

I wonder what would’ve happened if I said “Yeah okay let’s do it!” when you said “Shall we get off the bus and have that cake now!” on our way to Motown?

I wonder what would’ve happened if I had just gotten over myself, hung out with you for a while longer after we’d had a lovely afternoon and evening together and after that beautiful first date the week before, instead of trying to intellectualise (read: “ego-tise”) all of my feelings?

I wonder what would’ve happened if we had finished all of the 36 questions? I really wanted to do them with you and I think you did with me too. I wonder what we would have discovered? I wonder how it would have felt to look each others eyes for those 4-minutes? We only got to number 18.

I wonder what would’ve happened if I had shown you that day that I was a little envious you were doing that activity with her and not me.

I wonder what would’ve happened if I had just shown you how much I wanted you to hold me after that photoshoot? And only you.

I wonder what would’ve happened if I had shared with you how much you touching your forehead to mine, smiling that smile as we went our separate ways after lunch meant to me and drove me crazy for you? That in that moment and long after, it felt like the best thing ever…

I wonder what would’ve happened if I had had the courage to ask you to dance with me to Etta as we saw the New Year in? My hand in yours, my head on your chest, gently swaying side to side…

I wonder…

I wonder so many things…

I wonder what realising all this means for me now?

I wonder if I’ll be free? To really be me…

“Gamble everything for love if you are a true human being. If not, leave this gathering. Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty” ~ Rumi

May he be blessed. May he be happy. May he be loved. xxx

 

Photo by Amber Flowers on Unsplash

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